I’ll get back to reporting on our journey’s progress soon. But let me briefly report on what we went through in February.

I am not one of those people who blame the devil for bad things happening to me. There are plenty of things in my own foolishness and in the brokenness of the world to more than account for the difficulties I face in my life. It is easy to blame the enemy. It is much harder to face our own shortcomings and to work out how we live as spiritual foreigners in a fallen world. So I am not one of those people who rush to the conclusion that I’m under attack from the enemy.

And yet…

February saw an unusual amount of difficulties being faced both in my family and in our church. We had a new convert leave the church, angry that I asked him not to talk about politics during a ministry event. We had a clash of cultures in our very multicultural Sunday School where tempers flared and people were emotionally hurt. My family faced several hard situations and disappointments. This included my 12-year-old son who faced two very difficult disappointing situations. Whenever you see your child suffering it makes a parent feel heartsick, and this was no exception.

It was after the second disappointment my son faced that I felt an overwhelming sense in my spirit that there was a reason for all these difficulties. I felt sure that the Holy Spirit was speaking to my heart to let me know that the reason our church and my family were facing these problems was the journey we are taking as a church. The journey we’ve been on, and the reason for this blog, has been to find the true character of the New Testament Church and to match that character instead of being complacent in being an Americanized church. What are we missing in the American Church that the New Testament Church had, and how can we get it back? This is the stumbling journey we are taking as a church. And I knew suddenly that the reason for our difficulties was that the enemy is not pleased with a church taking such a journey. Such a journey is dangerous to the plans of the enemy. He wasn’t just trying to make us stumble, he was trying to get us to change our focus or to give up entirely.

And then something unusual happened.

I got mad at God.

I mean, really mad.

As I stood there in my kitchen, knowing with surety that our recent difficulties were a direct result of the journey God had called us to, a realization came to me: my son was suffering because I was doing what God had called me to do. The flash of anger that went through me was surprising, but it was real. It’s one thing for me to suffer, but I hadn’t counted on the possibility of my child suffering.

The prayer I prayed at that moment won’t be found in any prayer books. It’s not a prayer I would recommend. But it was honest. It was an expression of my true feelings at that moment. And my most prevalent feeling was a pretty intense anger. I don’t want anyone, through action or inaction, to allow my son to be hurt, even God.

And God let me vent. He let me rant. He let me get it all out. He can take it. He’s faced a lot worse than a confused, angry, pastor stumbling through his spiritual journey. And then God spoke to my heart. He asked me who loves my son most of all, and I reluctantly admitted that He did. And God reminded me that as we walk this journey, we walk it together with Him. He is with us every step of the way. My son resides in the palm of my God’s hand.

I was reminded of the Keith Green song that I sang as I held my son the night he was born. The verse went like this,

“I pledge my son to heaven for the gospel.
Though he’s kicked and beaten, ridiculed and scorned.
I will teach him to rejoice, and lift a thankful praising voice,
And to be like Him who bore the nails and crown of thorns.”

We’re all in. We’re sticking to this journey as a church. We’re sticking to this journey as a family. The enemy can throw whatever he likes at us. We’re going to move forward, even if we stumble.

1 Timothy 1:12 says, “That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.”

I’m no Apostle Paul. I’m a patchwork of frailty and faith, doubt and confidence, pride and humility. I’m on a journey appointed by God to be the kind of disciple He wants me to be. I may suffer because of this journey. I may stumble. But I know the one who called me. I know that he will be both my guard and my guide until I reach the journey’s end.